It's only week two into this season of "The Bachelor," and the gals are already sharpening their nails in their quest to lay claim on bachelor Ben's heart.
America's favorite mop-top lad whisks the remaining 18 women away to his hometown of Sonoma, Calif. for this week's episode in what can only be described as an expedited trip into Emotions-Run-Wild, U.S.A.
After a few obligatory shots of Ben's sun-soaked vineyards and his adorable pup Scotch, the bachelorettes arrive in all their wine-drunken glory.
Ben singles out Kacie B. for the first one-on-one date of the season, and model Courtney immediately acts on the offense.
"I just find her annoying," she sniffs.
Well, Ben doesn't. The winemaker walks Kacie around his hometown, pointing out old buildings and attempting to teach the Southern belle the piano at one point.
In return, Kacie teaches Ben to twirl - a baton, that is.
The ever-eloquent Ben lets out a "how awesome," and it's cl ear by his puppy-dog eyes that he's smitten.
Their night ends at the movie theater, where Kacie is surprised by not a movie, but a montage of home video clips of her and her dad, followed by a reel of Ben and his own father.
She tears up. He tears up. Ben lets out a deeply thought-out "hmm" and they kiss.
According to Kacie, this is just the beginning of a "lifetime of love."
Only problem is, there are 17 other women who are dying to experience this "lifetime of love" too.
And on the group date the next day, the chosen few have to act out their yearning - while dressed in donkey and dragon costumes, being directed by small children.
Nothing says romance like felt costumes
Ben recruits several bite-sized playwrights from his hometown to write a stage play for the women and him to act out, and without further ado, the auditions are underway.
VIP cocktail waitress Blakeley soon realizes that she's not quite dressed for the part - while the other girls frolick and audition in comfort, she struggles to keep her low-cut, pinstriped jumper up while executing a slow jog - at the kids' suggestion.
"That girl," one of the young playwrights says, making motions with her hands, "I'm not a fan of hers."
Neither are the other girls, it turns out.
When Ben and the gals return to the Sonoma mansion after their theater debut, the other women immediately label Blakeley a cougar, waiting to pounce on Ben as he hums and putters around the estate.
Red-haired Jennifer pulls Ben away for a little one-on-one time, but though the two smooch in a sweet poolside kiss, it doesn't take long before "stage-five clinger" Blakeley takes matters into her own hands.
"It's time for some adult time with Ben," she says coyly - and looks like her schemes are working. Ben gives her the rose of the night over a heartbroken Jennifer, and that's when the tension between "Jugs" and the rest of the women really start to mount.
And speaking of tension, Ben's oh-for-two when he picks Courtney for his individual date the next day.
The two go driving in the beautiful countryside with pup Scotch in tow, and Ben gets good vibes from the Scottsdale beauty.
"She's too good to be true," Ben says repeatedly. "She's the complete package."
In households the nation over, women will Ben to wake up and see the warning signs. But alas, he does not - and forks a rose over to the model.
Back at the house, the other women are going stir-crazy and a little wine quickly loosens up any inhibitions they might have had left.
The target for the night? Blakeley.
Among the names the girls throw in her direction: "overtly ridiculous," "horse face" and "sick puppy dog."
The poor gal folds under the pressure and tucks herself into the luggage room to bawl her eyes out, which frightens good-natured Ben, especially coupled with Jenna's spazzy freakout.
At the rose ceremony, Ben seems to lean more toward the mentally stable of the bunch and opts not to give neurotic Jenna a rose.
"I'm in shock," a sobbing Jenna blubbers. "I came here looking for love, I did. I feel sick. These girls distracted him. I just can't believe...oh my gosh. Are you kidding me?
"I can't believe this is happening, I'm mortified. I think I deserve love, and I'm always trying to find it. Can we pretend like this never happened? It was a mistake."
But whereas Jenna's waterworks came to an abrupt end this week, there are undoubtedly many more tears to shed. Onward, to San Francisco!
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